The Dumby's Bible
In the beginning there was naughtta. Well, cept for an omnipotent, omniscient, lovingly destructive being capable of unleashing a fart upon the galaxy so great that all the stars would extinguish in a single gust. This omnipotent being was called God. Aka, Pimp Daddy. Good old, new...er, eternal Pimp Daddy decided that things, or rather lack of things, was(were?) pretty boring. So he pronounced, ‘let there be cabbage’, and there was cabbage. Needless to say, a cabbage floating amongst an empty universe isn’t very exciting so Pimp Daddy brought about a bunch of other crap like light, water and animals. Unsurprisingly, God thought all this stuff was good, because...well, he made it. He thought that his creations were so friggen good he decided to fill the universe with a bunch of other crap like plants and man. All this shit floating around the galaxy got to be a bit hectic so God decided to put it all in one place, that one place being Earth. Then God said to the man he created, ‘Adam my boy, hump anything and everything! By next week I want there to be thousands of men running around so I can spy on them when they’re getting naughty with their hand!’ Then God got tired of all his creating and decided to take a nap. He declared the day of his nap the day of slumber.
Adam and Eve
When God awoke he made a garden. Nobody really knows why he made the garden. Same as nobody knows why he bothered to make all the other stuff. I mean, sure, he did it cuzz he ‘wanted to’, but there’s gotta be more to it than that, right? I mean, why does somebody with all the power in the universe want to do anything in particular? Meh, whatever. Anyways, so God got tired of tending this garden and decided to get that man of his to tend to it. ‘Work it Adam’, said God. ‘Work it good.’ Then God, despite being omnipotent, decided the man wasn’t busy enough. So he got him to name all the animals. Which the man, Adam, gladly did. However, Adam saw how God was using him as a slave and realized that he himself wished he had someone he could boss around. God knew this, since he’s omniscient and all, and put Adam into a deep sleep so he could steal one of his ribs for his rib collection. He then created a woman and lied to Adam saying that the rib was used to make the woman. (Pfft, silly Adam. Why would an omnipotent God need a rib to make a woman? He made everything else without a rib. Silly, silly Adam).
The serpent was a crafty old devil. For some reason God created it with the intent to deceive his other creations. The serpent said to Eve, ‘Did God really say you’d die from eating from that tree?’ Eve replied, ‘Yes, he told us not to eat from it.’ ‘Look,’ replied the serpent, ‘they’re just apples. They ain’t gonna kill you. In fact, they’re quite healthy for you.’ Eve then decided to eat from the tree and gave some of the apples to Adam to eat as well. Little did the two know the apples were spiked with some crazy shit God put in them that made them suddenly very, very self-conscious. Adam looked down and said, ‘Holyshit, winky blinky is exposed. Damn women, look away, I need a friggen leaf or something.’ The two covered up, but no sooner had they clothed themselves Pimp Daddy showed up and said, ‘You dumb fucks, you ate from the tree. That’s the one mother fucking think I told you not to do. Holyshit, it’s like taking care of 3 year olds. Look, serpent, you’re an asshole. I’m taking away your legs so you have to eat dust. Women, you’re a dumbass blonde is what you are. Once you have kids, and believe me, you will, your child birth is gonna be painful as hell. And Adam, oh Adam. You really, really disappointed me. I mean, I thought you were the smart one around here. Being a man and all. Sigh, well, your punishment is you gotta farm all your food now. Yep, I hate to do it. NO! Don’t look at me with that face. ADAM, STOP IT! Just get the fuck outta here and makes some babies. I got some other stuff to attend to.’ After kicking the two troublesome humans out of the garden, God spent the rest of the afternoon getting high off the tree of knowledge.
Cain and Abel
After getting kicked out of the garden Adam and Eve quickly realized that the only real pleasurable pass time was getting jiggy with it. It didn’t take long before Eve gave birth to a couple sons called Cain and Abel. And yes, giving birth to them HURT LIKE HELL! Now Cain tended to the crops and Abel tended to the flock and the two decided to give God some of what they were taking care of it. When God saw what Abel had brought he was all like, ‘Oh Abel my man, you know I love pork chops. MMm, MMMMMM, OOOHH YAH, them some fine ass pork chops!’ But when he saw Cain’s offering he was like, ‘ WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH YOU DUDE!? Carrots!? Celery!? I ain’t eatn no fuckn vegetables, that shit is disgusting.’ So, as you can imagine Cain was pretty pissed off. So he did what any reasonable person would. He took Abel out to a field, whipped out his piece and shot Abel three times in the chest. Then God showed up and said, ‘Holyshit! Are you fucking kidding me? I say ‘nay’ to your vegetables and you pull this crap? Fuck it Cain, get outta my sight.’ So Cain left and somehow married a woman that showed up outta nowhere and nailed her a few times having kids that went on to have kids which went on to have more kids etc, etc. Adam and Eve also got busy and had another kid who they didn’t really mind replacing Abel. (Abel was a bit of a stuck up little bitch).
God got pissed with mankind. Everyone was butt fucking. The men were butt fucking, the children were butt fucking and the women were butt fucking. Everyone was fucking butt fucking. So God decided, fuck this, I’m wiping these disgusting creatures out. The only one who wasn’t butt fucking was Noah. God was like, ‘hey Noah, since you’re the only guy that doesn’t have a pecker in somebody’s arse, maybe you can do me a little tiny, tiny favour. I want you to create a boat big enough to house two of every type of animal on the planet. I know, it’s a small task, but take it seriously, alright? I’m flooding the planet in a few days and the last thing I want is to mess up my creation. It’s not like I have the infinite power to re-create it all again or anything.’ So, Noah did what good old Pimpy Daddy wanted and built an ark. He loaded up the animals, (no biggie), and God flooded the Earth. While Noah and his family were waiting for the rain to stop they played strip poker. One thing lead to another and before anyone knew what was happening the entire family was butt fucking each other. Luckily, God wasn’t paying attention. He was too busy flooding the Earth. It’s not like he could’ve just painlessly extinguished humanity from the Earth. No, he had to friggen drown them all. Every now and then Noah would glance out the window and see an animal desperately swimming for its life with the last of its ebbing strength before sinking into the all consuming water to suffer an excruciating death by drowning. Before Noah knew it, the flooding was done, the water dried up and he and his family got back to whatever the fuck it was that they did before they started butt fucking on the boat. But first, Noah built an altar and sacrificed some of the animals he’d spent the past 100 or so days taking care of. ‘Mmm’, said the Lord. ‘Smells delish.’
The Tower of Babel
The people of the world, (who must’ve all been inbred brothers and sisters) all spoke the same language and decided to use their gift of communication to construct a great city and a really tall ass tower to compensate for their decidedly shameful gentiles. Then Pimp Daddy looked at what they were doing and thought, Holyshit. After flooding the world now the people are working together to build a city. This is a CATASROPHY! No! They cannot continue this united effort of cooperation. So, the Lord made them all speak a different language and scattered them across the planet so they’d stop working together and instead spend the next few thousand years warring with each other over communication barriers and differences caused from living in different parts of the world.
The call of Abram
The Lord said to Abram, ‘Hey, I know your comfortable and all, but I want you to leave and go on a little adventure. You know, just for shits and all. Trust me, I’ll make you famous and I’ll bless you. Cuzz you know, I’m kewl like dat.’ So, Abram left with his wife Sarai and his buddy Lot. They did some traveling, found a place that Pimp Daddy decided to give ownership over to Abram’s children and eventually the trio ended up in Egypt. Abram suddenly got this crazy notion that if he went into Egypt and told them that Sarai was his wife they’d kill him so he told her to tell them that she was his sister... God was like, ‘Abram, that’s a stupid idea.’ But Abram insisted and so went forth with his crazy little plan. Because Abram’s wife was hot he got treated well by the Pharaoh and Egyptians. God got jealous of all the attention Abram’s fine ass wife was getting and decided to curse the Pharaoh. The Pharaoh went to Abram and said, ‘WHAT THE FUCK IS THE DEAL MAN. EVER SINCE YOU SHOWED UP I’VE BEEN CURSED LIKE A BEWITCHED MOTHER FUCKER. I TRY TO GIVE A COMMAND AND MY TONGUE STARTS BLEEDING. I TRY TO TAKE A BATH AND A MULE PISSES ON MY HEAD. I TRY TO TAKE A PISS MYSELF AND MY FRIGGEN DICK FALLS OFF. WHAT IS GOING ON?! Abram replied simply, ‘Uh, that fine fucking sister of mine is actually my wife.’ Pharaoh responded with, ‘Get the fuck outta my kingdom you lying, curse bestowing bastard.’ So, Abram did just that. Him and Lot got into a fight and decided to go separate ways and the Lord promised them that all the land they saw could be their children’s land and made a little speech about dust or something. Unfortunately, a bunch of kings got into a scuffle and stole Lot. Abram heard of this and decided it was time to kickass and chew bubblegum. Abram rallied his troops, staged an attack and rescued Lot. Then he had tea with the queen and gave her some of his bounty cuzz Abram likes doing nice stuff like that. Then Abram had a little discussion with the Lord. The Lord said that Abram would gain possession over a mustang plane lego set, but Abram was sceptical. So, the Lord told Abram to gather a goat a ram and some birds. Abram retrieved them and then for no discernible reason cut them all in half. God said, ‘Jesus fucking Christ man. I didn’t tell you to cut them in half. Man you’re some kind of freaky messed up.’ Then Pimp Daddy said, ‘Oh, and btw. Your ancestors are going to be enslaved in a distant land, but don’t worry. I’m gonna punish the enslavers so it’s all good.’
Hager and Ishmael
Even though God was pretty chummy with Abram he made Abram’s wife unable to have children. (Bastard) So Abram’s wife Sarai said, ‘Hey Abram, since I can’t have children why don’t you have sex with my slave, Hager.’ Abram replied, ‘Say, that’s a swell idea. I will have sex with your slave.’ And that’s what he did. Once Hager got pregnant she started getting really bitchy and had a few arguments with Sarai. Sarai bitched to Abram and Abram said, ‘Meh, do whatever you want to her,’ so Sarai started beating the shit out of Hager whenever she felt like it. Hager got pissed off and fled. One of Pimp Daddy’s Angels found her and said, ‘Look girl, you’re messing up the plan. You can’t run away just because Sarai beat you and violated your anus. You gotta submit to that shit. Oh, and name your son Ishmael cuzz it’ll please Pimp Daddy. Now get to it, girl.’ So, Hager went back and when she had her son she named it Ishmael. A few years later God said to Abram, ‘Yoh, Abram. I don’t like the name Abram. So I’m gonna call you Abraham for now on. Also, you’re gonna have lots and lots of descendants. Some of them are gonna be kings. Just thought you should know that. Alright, peace out. OH, wait wait. Forgot something. From now on, all your descendants have to be circumcised. Yah, I know I made man with full blown foreskin, but, eh, I don’t really like foreskin. It’s nasty. So yah, snip it off. Okay, laterz. Happy snipn.’ So, the next day Abram...er...Abraham snipped all his son’s wieners.
Lot gets into some trouble
Lot was looking forward to snipping his penis that day when a bunch of men showed up and started chasing him. He ran to a house where he met two ninjas that gouged the eyes out of Lot’s assailants. The ninjas said to Lot, ‘Look man. This shit is bad. The entire city has gone to hell. We’re calling Pimp Daddy and getting him to orbital bombard the city. Get any of your relatives out!’ So, Lot went and told his son in laws that God was about to piss all over the city. ‘God’s going to blow up the city,’ replied one of the in laws. ‘Pfft, no way man. He wouldn’t do a stupid thing like that. Most of the people are actually pretty nice. The guys you met escaped from the mental asylum, that’s all.’ Well, Lot fled the city with his wife and daughters, but for some bizarre reason his wife turned into a pillar of salt. Lot didn’t want to waste a good pile of salt so he sprinkled his wife’s remains on some potato chips he’d made the other day. They were delicious.
Lot and his daughters
Lot and his daughters hid in a cave. His daughters were horny so the older one said, ‘Let’s get our father liquored up and sleep with him.’ They got Lot good and drunk and then the older one slept with him. Lot will swear to this day that he didn’t know they slept with him, but he knew EXACTLY what was going on. They got him drunk again and this time the younger daughter, who was only like 11, got it on with Lot. Lot was glad that his dark fantasies had come true, so he didn’t question his daughters when they miraculously got pregnant even though he technically didn’t know they had slept with him. They both had children with 6 fingers and 6 toes on each hand and foot. Oh...and one of them had a tail.
Abraham and Abimelek
Abraham moved and was continuing to tell people that his wife was his sister, but a king named Abimelek took her from him. God got pissed and said, ‘OH NO YOU DIDN’T! YOU CAN’T GO STEALING ANY FINE ASS WOMAN YOU WANT, (unless your reaping the bounties of a war torn city), YOU BETTER GIVE HER BACK RIGHT NOW OR YOU AND EVERYBODY YOU KNOW IS DEAD’. Abimelek, said to Abraham, ‘Why the fuck did you lie you me man? That ain’t cool.’ To which Abraham replied, ‘I didn’t lie, she really is my sister as well as my wife.’ ‘Oh..’ replied Abimelek, ‘that’s um...wow.’ Abimelel gave Abrhama some money and a bunch of slaves and said, ‘live wherever you want man, I won’t mess with you eva.’
The Birth of Isaac
Abraham’s wife had a son that they named Isaac. Since they had a son of their own they decided that they didn’t need that useless slave and her son so they sent them away with nothing but some water. When Hager ran out of water she left her son under a bush cuzz she really didn’t wanna see him die.